"If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it's that you can kill anyone."

"To die, to be really dead, that must be glorious. There are far worse things awaiting man than death."

"Mismatched Tupperware Lids Not a Problem After Devastating House Fire"

"I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a man's shoes?"

"We are so lucky to have been raised amongst catalogs."

"Gotta tell ya, smokin' weed and playin' with model trains... it's a good fuckin' time."

"We need classes--know your role."

"You can't just be the good guy and expect to live, not anymore."

"To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it."

"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company."

On an unrelated note, Narwhals!

"Like my uncle used to say, 'Let's not let a botched kidnapping ruin our whole afternoon.'"

"Listen, fellas... I don't recognize the right of this committee to ask me these kinds of questions. And furthermore, you can all go fuck yourselves."